Gender Experiment Day #1

For my first test run to see if this is worth it, I changed my nick, avatar and went into offline mode before joining my favorite server. There were a few people on the server that I had played with on my usual name, two of whom who would've been constantly talking to me throughout the game. I joined their team and it felt odd. Both of them were talking constantly but to each other. I played well for the last little bit of that map, trying to get used to the lack of chatter in my direction. Second map rolled around and it was pl_frontier. This time, there was another regular from the server on my team who was playing medic and had a history of not healing me much at all. He kept my pseudonym self healed throughout and used kritzkrieg on me at least three times in that round. Normally, under my usual nick, I would not have been given kritzkrieg. There are only two medics who frequent this server that would kritz or uber me as myself. I had no feeling of being targeted. When two of the most frequent players to "lol got ya angel" killed me, they said nothing. I dominated one of them--still nothing said to me when the normal response would have been either "oh god, angel is dominating me" or departure from the server by this particular dominated player. I was carrying a 5:1 kpd nearly throughout the map. Interestingly enough, my fiance also felt the difference of my getting healed and staying up longer. He broke multiple records on that round--something he hadn't been able to do in a long while. On the next map, I was ubered several times and was complimented for my playing. Another thing that does not happen frequently. At one point, I had two medics healing me under my pseudonym. I was so shocked at the sight that I ended up getting us all killed but they came right back to heal me afterward. I haven't had two medics attempting to pocket me in possibly three years. After a friend joined and it showed him as a friend, I finished up the game, talked to him about what I was up to and decided that if I was going to do this without being prematurely outed, I needed a new account.

After setting up a new account with free to play tf2, I joined the server again. It was actually kind of humorous and sad how medics who normally wouldn't heal me, healed and ubercharged me as I was earning easy soldier achievements. So, even a new player gets more heals than a champion gamer. I thought that was really interesting. I was ubered several times in game and not once did anyone say anything to me. The server felt unnaturally quiet. After a few rounds, I switched to my usual account and rejoined. Almost immediately, the banter towards me started up. My team had three medics on it, none of which would heal me. Two of those medics were regulars. One had healed me under the pseudonym. One medic in particular would heal me to no higher than 130 hp and then would stop healing me. He was interesting and I will call him "Z" (but not to be confused with Zee!!). My kpd throughout that time, between being targeted and the lack of heals was 3:1 or less until a friend of mine went medic and started healing me. He was the only medic to use ubercharge on me throughout that map. On the next map, "Z" was on the opposite team and was playing spy. He consistently went to back stab me with higher priority than any other player near me including medics, engineers, and heavy weapons. I found it rather creepy. When one player killed me, he said "it's a gg now since I killed angel".

On dustbowl, I still struggled with getting heals. One medic who I had not played with before used kritzkrieg on me out of desperation. The other medic chose to die as opposed to doing the same. Both healed me. They just didn't want to use their kritzkriegs or ubercharges on me. Toss in constant banter and as well as being the primary target for opposing teams, it wasn't pleasant at all. By the end of the evening, a player joined the server and asked if I was a girl. I remarked that I was always surprised when someone asked me that because it should be obvious. The response was "he's a girl" and jokes about transvestites and transsexuals which went on for possibly 10 minutes. I definitely did not experience any of these things playing under the pseudonym.

After day one, I can definitely say that playing voiceless and under a pseudonym is peculiar, especially when you're playing with friends who don't know you're there. It's lonely and isolating. On the other hand, when using a pseudonym, I get healed dramatically more including the use of ubercharges and kritzkriegs on me. I don't get targeted by entire teams which I had always felt playing as angel and harassment is at a firm zero. To play as angel, it's unending frustration. To play as someone else, lonely. Hell of a choice. One thing I do know is I really love those friends that still give me heals and ubers/kritz. They really are good men.